remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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