drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
