So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
