I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
