last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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