I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
