I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
