If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
