she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
