I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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