I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think I am morally bankrupt
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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