i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
