My liver just broke up with me...
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
