I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's shark week go big or go home
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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