It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
