i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i came on her dog
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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