I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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