maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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