She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
