apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
