i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
