What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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