i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
