there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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