Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
