Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
