i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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