Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
