I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
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