I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I woke up under a house in Key West
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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