note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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