my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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