you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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