wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
