Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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