so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We have started to decorate penises.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
