You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
