Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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