The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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