24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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