im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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