I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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