Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
