I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
