woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Randomize
