I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
