Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
