There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize