I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
