No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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