Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
