I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just invented taco cereal.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
