I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
