Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
