I just saw a hot homeless man
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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