im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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